"Hmmm.......you would think that the MS and I (gorilla) would have beat this "Todd" guy already?"

Well……I hope everyone had a good holiday weekend.  I know it was one that I would soon like to forget.   

It started off great….I would take an extra day off……stretch it out into a little mini vacation.  I had big plans……was going to get stuff done around the house…..a bunch of little pesky items that had just been bugg’in me for a while.   

Julie and I had stocked up on the groceries and we were go to go.  We were throwing a little party Saturday night.   

Then…….   

Something happened……   

Oh yea……   

I’ve got this disease……..   

“But I just need some rest”……I say to myself   

“Rest and I’ll be OK for the party” ……..   

But…….…   

But……   

But nothing………I wasn’t in control of the body this weekend………My MS was.   

MS and a little 1000 pound Gorilla on my back in the form of a flu bug or something.    

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It’s weekends like this last one…when all off the positive attitude……..all the fight……comes into question.   

As of late…..I had felt real strong…..convinced myself that things were changing a little for the better. Working hard and working out harder. Letting work go on the weekends and getting stuff done around the house. Happy w/ the small progress that I was making.   

Just when you think things are starting to go your way………….that’s when MS bites you in the ass.…….Hard.   

I was fighting off a little stomach bug or something this last weekend.  And when you have MS like mine…….and you get these pesky little flu bugs……things then get a little complicated.  MS people have weak immune systems to begin with….coupled with the fact that the immune system is always suppressed with one drug or another. 

When you need to call on your immune system to work that little extra……..MS proptly gives you the middle finger and tells you………..”Have a nice day”.    

Bodily systems shut down……Faculties cease to work properly (literally)…..and the ability to move is severely hampered by the fact that your body is incapable of multitasking.  Basically, your immune system is unable to fight whatever is going on inside you. Leaving the rest of your body immobile while things get sorted out.   

Trips to the bathroom and up the stairs can take up to an hour while you figure how to relax your body to move that next step up or how do you make it to the toilet that is just ten feet away w/out losing it.  Thank god for handrails and washing machines.   

The smartest thing I could have done this weekend was to stay in bed.   

“But……..I took an extra day off……”………………I say to myself.   

“But…..It’s a holiday weekend…….”   

“But…….I have all these simple little things I need to do……….”   

“But I had stem cell and I should be able to handle stuff like this now………..”   

 REALLY TODD????   

Come on DUDE!!!!!!   

………Shame on me……….I should know better.   

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 You always wonder when things like this happen:   

”Will I be able to bounce back”………..   

“Did this little setback take something from me mobility wise?”   

Answer is:…….we don’t know…..I’m sure I didn’t help matters by continually trying to push through it all the entire weekend.  

Example:

“I’m just going to run to the store real quick……I just need a spark plug for the lawnmower.”

Simple enough.

And then………all of a sudden…….you pee yourself in the middle of a Home Depot and the MS screams at you once again………..   

“Do you hear me now TODD????!!!!!!!! “   

Extremely embarrassed….You go home broken a little bit.  definitely defeated.  But then you wake up ask to yourself:    

“What the hell am I doing?”   

Go home…….hop in the shower and into bed.  The party Saturday night was tough………all of your friends partied right under your nose………you were to sick to come downstairs……just to even say hello……..Julie kept asking me all day if we should cancel…….I kept thinking things would pass…….they did not.  I’m sorry that I missed everyone….Sorry that Julie had to go it alone….I was just to weak to come downstairs and even say hi.  Good friends that have done a ton for me and my family. Friends that I don’t see very often. I was upstairs bummed out. It was a bad night and one I’d like to forget.   

When you have MS and the flu………….it’s a whole different animal…..or do we say the MonSter?   

A MonSter inside you w/ a 1000 pound angry gorilla on your back.   

Yeah……weekends like this last one are frustrating, disappointing and sometimes extremely embarrassing……but what are you going to do?  The MonSter kicks my ass a lot……he wins a lot of our fights…….but on the few days I do win…….I win big. 

Sadly……no ones sees it….the little victories are all your own……you can tell people and you wonder what they think when they don’t see a miracle. My victories are small and they are what keep me going.  Maybe I can lift my knee one inch higher today than I could yesterday.  All I’m saying is that you got to believe me and little things like that………unless you live it……are huge to me and give me hope. So take me for ice cream or something……..LOL. I will slowly put the mobility peices together….there are many…….and it is just taking a lot longer than I thought.

I like my fight w/ the MonSter………I wouldn’t have it any other way.   

Maybe it’s a control thing.  When you fight…you get to decide on how,what, where, when.   

Better to fight….than to have never fought at all……I say.   

Be Well   

Todd

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